What In the Hell was I Thinking?

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What in the hell was I thinking?  I have thrown myself back in time, some fifty years ago when I was always worrying about people liking me!  It took me years to over come my early years of feeling like I didn’t fit in or that I would never fit in.  The feelings that no matter what I did or how I looked, no one would ever like me.  Many tears were shed in my childhood because someone called me a mean name.  I was so tender-hearted, it made my grade school years almost unbearable.  There is no telling how many tears my mother wiped from my cheeks as I would cry that no one liked me.  I had no friends.  What was wrong with me?

Some where along the line I got over that whole dilemma.  I finally figured out that no matter what I did or how I looked, there were always going to be people who didn’t like me for what ever reason.  Years of practicing like my feelings had not been hurt by someone calling me fat, or strange, or stupid; I finally got over all of it.  With  the practice came an attitude which allowed me to live my life and not worry about what others said or thought.  Along the way I found a few really good friends that loved me even though I wasn’t a size 6 , I didn’t act like everyone else or I wasn’t college educated.  People that understood why I had been married several times and they didn’t look at me like I was a horrible person.

It took years of fighting depression and other demons to be at peace with myself and my past.  I learned to forgive myself for all the mistakes I had made, some more than once.  Learning to forgive all those that had stomped a hole in my heart and soul over the years.

Then what do I do?  I decide to write a story about things that happened to myself and some of my friends.  Yes, the book is fiction but it’s based on real life experiences.  No one explained to me if I put things in print I would be opening up that big ol can of worms from so long ago.  Geese, what if someone doesn’t like what I wrote?  What will they think of me?  Will they think I really did do everything I wrote about?  Do I care what they think?  What if the first book I wrote was crap and my next book is really good, will anyone take a second chance on my writing?   I want people to review my book but I’m afraid to read what they have to say.

I said to myself, “Self!  Snap out of it! Even the authors on the best sellers list get bad reviews.”  Holy crap!  I have even read book by my favorite authors and thought, “This isn’t up to their standards!”

Still, with each word I write I am still wondering if this is good enough.  Can people feel what I was trying to convey?  Should I re-write that sentence?

I have no problem posting my photography, because I can look at my photos with an objective eye.  This one is good, that one not so much or wow, I really captured the light just right on this one.  Maybe I should have kept to photography but I decided to paint a picture from my mind with words.  I can only hope that I can grow as a writer as I did as a photographer.  One day I would like to get over my fear of disappointing my readers and look at my work in the same way I look at my photos.

So this weekend I decided I would give away the first book, Going Nowhere Fast.  I decided I would allow people to like or dislike my first attempt for free.   I looked to see how many people actually took me up on the offer and was amazed to see almost 700 people decided to take a free look.  That is what opened up the can of worms.  The fear of 700 readers thinking it was a good thing that story was free.  On the other hand, maybe there will many of those 700 readers that like the story and will have something good to say.  In the mean time I’m still trying to get all those worms from the past back in the can and stop the worrying.

I’m so close to finishing my second book, a totally different genre, a mystery/suspense/thriller, that I need to worry about it and not something that’s already done.  In the mean time, Going Nowhere Fast is still free to those interested for the rest of today.

 

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3 responses to “What In the Hell was I Thinking?

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