It’s a sunny, calm day here in Arizona and for some reason I thought it would be a good day to update all my on-line accounts. Now, I’m in the deep end of password hell. All accounts want new passwords and everyone says to have a different password for every account. For my own protection I shouldn’t use the same password on all accounts. Do they not realize they are telling a woman who can’t remember where she parked her car in the shopping center parking lot after a ten minute shopping trip to remember fifteen passwords? Don’t write your passwords down? Why not, I’m sure I can’t find where I wrote them down so they should be safe. Make your password something easy to remember but something that a hacker wouldn’t figure out. After I follow their instructions I need a hacker to figure out my password because I sure in the hell can’t remember what I didn’t write down. Something easy to remember but use capital letters and small case, numbers and some symbols. Oh, that for sure will make it easy to remember, for a second grader, not for anyone over fifty.
Then there is the matter of security questions. What a joke! They put up security signs in the parking lots at the shopping centers so you can remember what aisle you are parked. That doesn’t help when I’m looking for my car because I can’t remember if I parked in B-2 or J-2. One on-line security question most popular today seems to be: what was the name of my second grade teacher? I was in second grade fifty-two years ago, how in the hell should I know? I don’t even remember going to second grade or the school I attended. Something or another elementary school. What was your first pets name? The first dog I remember I was about four years old and I have no clue what it’s name was but I do remember it was a red Irish Setter. That’s no help as they didn’t ask what was the breed of your first dog? Then they ask where did you meet your spouse? Which one? Present spouse or an ex?
To add to my hell, after I update my accounts and passwords, I log out of the accounts then try to log back in. The account does not recognize the new password! You have to be kidding me. At this point I am debating if I should throw my computer out into the front yard or hunt down each and every IT person on the face of the earth. This is some cruel joke all IT people have concocted for job security. The average person has no clue as to how all of this works. IT people will have jobs forever.
I decide to try the on-line chat to correct the problem. After an hour on the chat line trying to explain all I have done this morning with the re-setting of my passwords and updating my accounts, I end up having to call and speak to someone in Bangladesh whom I can barely understand. He thanks me for being so patient. It’s not that I’m so patient, it’s that I know I can’t get in my car and drive to Bangladesh and choke the living crap out of ‘Bob’ for asking me my security questions. I just gave you my account number, my address, my phone number, my date of birth, my city of birth, my mother’s madden name, my blood type and the date of my last sexual contact and you want to know the name of my second grade teacher.
After an hour on the phone with Bob, I can now reset my password. I have come up with: 1morecalltoBangladeshandsomeonecanjustshootmeinthehead. Too long! If there is a computer god, please save me from this password hell. Bob can’t help me but has given me another phone number to call tomorrow because they are not open on Sunday. Isn’t it already Monday in Bangladesh?
Well, since I can’t fix anything until tomorrow I suppose I will move on to the next account to update. I only have four phone calls to make in the morning to Bob, Dave, Alice and John in Bangladesh, Bombay and somewhere in the Philippians, but that’s another story.